A Eulogy for Chris Pine's Long Hair
Thou art gone, but still in my spankbank
I — like many of you — am deeply heartbroken by this weekend’s sudden, and tragic events. I too am overwhelmed by such an untimely, melancholic occurrence, and will remain forever changed. Like you, my fellow Pine-Nuts, I have shed tears, and wallowed in despair during the red carpet for the Children’s Hospital Gala. Not because of the sick kids — I mean that’s sad too — but because of the abject shock the debut of a haircut has caused. As such, we are gathered here today, to celebrate the short but wondrous life of Chris Pine’s long, luscious, balayaged locks. (I almost said long luscious something ELSE, but I remembered where I was)
This Chris is still handsome, but LHC (Long Haired Chris) would throw you up against the wall, eat your ***, and make you breakfast and a green smoothie after.
In the words of Oscar nominated actress Michelle Pfeiffer who should have WON in the category of Best White Saviour for Dangerous Minds (1995) we will not go gentle into that good night. She was so mother for that. Also, RIP Coolio.
As you may have noticed, this has greatly affected me, and I’m not sure I will ever be the same (unless he grows it back out) but all I can do is take it one day at a time
Some users have dealt with this tragedy by lying to themselves and being delusional
Others learnt to process their grief and move on quickly, but not without thirst
While I had to ask users to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing BUT the truth because I know how you girls like to tussle, but I also know you like to LIE!!!!
But this is not about me (for once) it is about all the good times we had with his tantalizing tresses. It’s about our love for how they fell softly over his forehead and coyly cascaded down the nape of his neck. Long hair CP was a dashing, dancing, and prancing CP whose style seemed both effortless and perfectly curated to suit an uninhibited roué like himself.
German scientist Dr. Avril Lavignestein, PhD once said to flop Austrian Neurologist Sigmund Freud “Why’d you have to go and make things so complicated?” addressing the severity of a patient’s trauma response. Anyone who has seen DWD knows there was cause for concern from the very beginning. This haircut? Trauma response.
Ahh yes, the good times. I would have ***** his **** from the **** OR THE *****
A simpler time, with those literature-loving locks
The champion of LHL (Long Hair League)
And now, a farewell poem:
your friends are in the other room
heard all the cruel things they said
but I’m just trying to be cool
so I wrote this poem in my head
you’re serving hair, body, face for me
a triple threat, you did it for me
also, a haiku
why did you do that
do that, do that, do that, do
that to Meech?
Honourable Mention
Curls For The Gworlz
Hair is having QUITE a week! Jr cannibal Timothée Chalamet who
is following in his gay lover Armie Hammer’s footstepswore a blinged out bone necklace to the
Haider Ackermann’s muse London Film Festival in honour of his new film Bones and All, a film that is getting very confusing reviews, with most critics using very pointed terms about how it’s “visually understated” — okay girl. That just means not pretty. Your mum is “visually understated” luv. Not to be classist, but I prefer my cannibals hot and rich, having dinner parties and wearing Ermenegildo Zegna suits like Mads Mikkelsen in Hannibal or Sebastian Stan in Fresh, not in back alleys eating dirty, uncooked humans. Have some COUTH baby girl.
Rotten Tomatoes reviews from Luca Guadagnino’s Bones and All Photo: Screenshot This TikTok of House of the Dragon’s Emma D’Arcy saying “Negroni Sbagliato… with Prosecco in it” has literally taken the internet by storm and caused basic bitches all over the world to annoy bartenders by ordering it. Friends don’t let friends be basic. Order my drink: A Tequila Gimlet — 3/4 tequila, 1/4 lime juice.
I Got An Age He Can Gild
The Gilded Age bored the HELL out of me. Talk about a show where NOTHING happens. Not even the dialogue was enough to keep me interested, and the costumes are SO FUCKING UGLY, but there was a little gay shit happening so I stayed.
Billy Eichnerwishes he had that impact! Downton Abbey is the superior girl. But one thing Downton DIDN’T have is fine ass Mr. Russell played by Morgan Spector. Actually, Downton didn’t really have ANY fine men except for Theo James and they killed him in the first episode, and Matthew Goode, who married Lady Mary and was “away on business” all the time. GAY.
I admit, sometimes my phone needs to be taken away. But who gon check me boo?!
Don’t Mention It
Bey Accountable
Maybe instead of being out all hours of the night, throwing parties in Paris and signing vinyls in record stores, she NEED TO BE uploading videos to YouTube. Music artists not releasing videos! Where’s musical artists!
An employee slackin on the job Photo: Beyoncé’s website Be QUIET
TiffanyKanyeSome people believe that all publicity is good publicity, that as long as they’re being talked about, it’s absolutely worth it. They’re like those children who want mommy’s attention at any cost so they behave in the most maddening ways. In the past week, K*nye W*st has:
Been extremely weird at Fashion Week
Tweeted out anti-semitic rhetoric (which has since been deleted)
Had both his Twitter and Instagram “limited”
Been a pain in my muthafuckin ASS
I personally have not listened to his music in more than a decade, so to be fair, I don’t know WHAT’S going on with him. He can’t blame mental illness on his behaviour because as a mentally ill ass bitch myself, y’all don’t see ME out here wearing a White Lives Matter shirt. I miss when his mouth was wired shut, or the craziest thing he was doing was being a fingers in the booty ass bitch.
Did I Forget To Mention
We had a TIME last Thursday night! It was such a blast live-tweeting Scream, and this week I’m live-tweeting a light family romcom from 1998 about the shenanigans of two sisters looking for love, and all their fumbles while finding their way in the world. That’s right, it’s Practical Magic!
The theme for this week’s playlist is — HAIR
Thank you for subscribing to Now That I Mention It — and now that I mention it, thank you for being a friend.
Omgeeeeee “Your mum is “visually understated” luv.” DYING 😂👏