WHO Is Still In The Running Towards Becoming America's Next Top Pooch

Pot Ledom, indeed

The judges have deliberated.

I only have one photo in my hands. The name of the girl I do not call must IMMEDIATELY go back to the doghouse, pack her bones, and go. home. It’s time to find out who is still in the running towards becoming America’s Next Top Pooch.

Now, a loooooooooot of these bitches (it’s okay, I can say that in a non-misogynistic way because we’re talking about dogs, plus a lot of these dogs are male, which actually IS misogynistic when you think about it. Why are lady dogs relegated to stay home and raise puppies and can’t be in pageants??? It’s give Puptriarchy) thought they could just throw on a tutu and they’d be fly, and hot, and sexy, and they’d get first place. I don’t think. Somebody lied to them SEVERAL times, winners are NOTHING of the sort. It’s gonna take more than flashing a lil tail and downward dogging, babe. So if you didn’t attend the doggy costume contest, I got you boo. You know why? Because like Beyoncé, I CARREEEEE.

***All photos by Scott Lynch for Brooklyn Magazine because mine were too far away***

• Midnights in the Garden of Awful and Badly Dressed

  Keeping it current, this girly decided to come as Taylor Swift’s new album Midnights. Now, if I walked past her would I know who she was? No. Are you gonna stand with that sign which is just lyrics from the album and a synthetic Party City wig? I don’t think. You REALLY thought it was wise to recreate that awful romper she wore??? In 2022???? You’re gonna have to try harder than that babe. Unfortunately, the judges do not see you as having a future in this industry. You’re no longer in the running towards becoming America’s Next Top Pooch.

• I Scream, But Not For Ice Cream

  Now, I love a pug. They are so adorable, funny, and cute, and they really had their position in fashionable history cemented by Percy the Pug in the iconic film Pocahontas, which is about what happens when you trust a white man. Don’t do it girl! You shoulda married Kocoum. Anyways, dressing up as ice cream? And Van Leeuwen’s at that??? Sweetheart you can do better. AT LEAST be gelato. On set, noted fashion photographer Nigel Barker said you were “tough to work with, and were all bark and no bite. He also called you a “no neck monster” — what do you have to say to that? MMhhmmm exactly. I’m sorry but you’re no longer in the running towards becoming America’s Next Top Pooch. Please pack your bones.

No matter how much you try, you’ll NEVER be her. Elegance is learned my friend.

• A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Wordles

  I’m sorry but WHAT year is it? Dressing up as a Wordle? This is — reductive. The other judges said you couldn’t read the monitor, and one judge even said you pooped. on. the. floor. Is that how a model is supposed to behave when I send you on a go-see? I don’t think so. This industry is HARD. When I was modeling in Paris and the French Revolution broke out, do you think I stopped to take a poop on the floor? No. I straightened my back, and I kept. on. walking. I’m sorry but you’re no longer in the running towards becoming America’s Next Top Pooch. Please pack your bones, and head back to the doghouse.

• Weave Me Alone

  *Heavy sigh* This is not the look I told the hairstylists I wanted for you. I said Bowie. But this is giving me Heather Locklear in 90210. It’s giving me Tina Turner after she found out what love had to do with it and gave a private dance. You look like you’ve been electrocuted. What’s more, is the makeup artists told me you REFUSED to allow them to do your makeup and instead you did it yourself. Do you think you’re Jaslene Gonzalez? She did her own makeup. Do you think you’re where she is? Well, let me tell you something, you’re not. Do you think a designer is going to allow you to do whatever you want and then go on that runway looking different from every other girl? Well they won’t. I’m sorry but you’re no longer in the running towards becoming America’s Next Top Pooch. Please pack your bones, and return to the doghouse. You’re homeward bound.

• Next Stop, Coverpooch?

  Hey twins. You two dressed as conductors on a local train. Now, is this inventive? Yes. Is this well thought out and executed? Also yes. Guest Judge Janice Dickinson even gave you glowing reviews behind the scenes. Everyone here had something positive to say about you. Two beautiful ladies stand before me for two VERY different reasons. You are both conductors. You’re both local. But who has what it takes to be EXPRESS? Who stays? And who. goes. home?

If you’ve seen my Twitter (which obviously you have) you would know that the Princess and the Pea dog won the contest. I loved it. It was inventive. The judges loved her, and she photographs so well. But she’s not MY winner.

Meechees of Inisherin ☘️ @MediumSizeMeech

At the Fort Greene Great PUPkin dog costume contest this dog (IG:lil_lupini) and their owner were The Princess and the Pea, and they WON and I CRIED

My winner is one of the twins. Congratulations. You are the winner of America’s Next Top Pooch. The look is fantastic, you know how to accessorize, and access you SMIZE. PLUS, the judges loved you, and we see you going express. I’m proud of you.

A Final Note:

If you dressed your dog up in a costume but I didn’t see it, ask yourself why? Does the life and joy of this bisexual queer black man of colour not matter to you! Wow. The silence is DEAFENING.

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