Angelina Jolie is Possibly, Maybe, Allegedly Dating Again

I'm just glad she finally getting her tomb raided

***I’m technically still out-of-office, but I need to break my silence (multiple tweets)***

There is this thing that happens in Hollywood where after a woman turns 40 she ceases to exist on a sexual spectrum.

People (other male actors and audiences alike) are no longer allowed to find her attractive, and she is relegated to playing mothers (and sometimes grandmothers) because of this crippling affliction called aging (the ageists even came for Logan Lerman’s silky grey hair!). But you know who isn’t adhering to that loser-ageist-patriarchal way of thinking? That’s right, Angelina Jolie.

This woman INVENTED sexuality. She was literally in Original Sin (2001) which is a movie I was too young to be watching at the time! And she has so many DOGS!!! Photo: British Vogue/Craig McDean

Angelina Jolie is many things, but most importantly, a Gemini. Second most important, she’s dating again (possibly, maybe — and for legal reasons allegedly) after being seen in a coffee shop with resident thick thighed sad boy Paul Mescal, who is newly single himself, despite being “formerly engaged” to Phoebe Bridgers, who is NOT Maggie Rogers — it’s a gathering of the single gals. Also, can we just take a second to remember his thighs from yesteryear? A moment of silence.

Not to be elitist, but I can’t believe I was thirsting after a man with this kind of phone. These thighs were the thighs that started The Thirsting After Paul Mescal era. These pasty white thighs. These rounded bodacious thighs, these—okay let me chill. Photo: Paul Mescal’s Instagram

Anyways, back to the subject at hand. As you may well know, really hot Gemini are all tuned in to each other’s feelings. Me, Angie, Colin Farrell, we have a whole like, intuitious group chat. It’s like a special empath thing, but only for other really hot Gemini, so months ago, I felt her time was coming. And I was right. Of course.

Meech @MediumSizeMeech

Angelina Jolie approaching her empty nester era, I can FEEL IT. I see her welcoming a young (but age appropriate!!!) boyfriend with a head full of hair. She’s a hot AND cool mum!!!

And as predicted, just a few months later, my power once again revealed itself.

Like, look how RADIANT she looks, she might be mother, but she’s no one’s GRANDMOTHER! She is a young, hot ingenue! And he’s… also there.

Now, do I think Angelina is dating this boy? No. But if there’s one thing Angelina Jolie knows how to do, it’s network. And after stepping down as an ambassador for the UN refugee agency UNHCR, a role she held for more than 20 years, mama got a lil extra time on her hands! I know that’s right! Boys, sometimes a girl just needs one.

Meech @MediumSizeMeech

I’m too powerful. He’s too young and not hot enough for her, but this is a start! She prolly asking if he got older friends in England or whatever

Also, it’s 2023 and the quality of this photo should be MUCH better (did she take this on Paul Mescal lil phone?) but right now, we take what we can get. Also, the fact that me and Angie were in London at the same time? I told y’all, really hot Gemini tingz.

Paul Mescal showing Angelina Jolie some names in an address book of possible suitors. Daughter (and also my niece) Shiloh Nouvel accompanies Angie to give advice. Photo: beyernatalie/Instagram

The thing is, I have a vision for Angie. I am a fantastic matchmaker, better than Patti Stanger, the Millionaire Matchmaker so believe me when I say I know what she needs. And you know what? Once again, I have a point. Let’s switch it up a bit Angie!

Meech @MediumSizeMeech

Actually — I’m tired of seeing Angie with boring ass white men, she need some melanin in her life. Some spice, some rice — a handsome black francophone would be nice!!!!

Here’s my list of candidates (and if you have others (GOOD ONES) let me know!)

Meech’s Millionaire Matchmaking Service

Here are my top three picks:

• Dev Patel

  Meech @MediumSizeMeech

  I know JUST the man

  

  The thing about Dev Patel is that I want (no NEED) to do kissing with him.

  And if I want to do kissing with him, baby I already know Angie does (the aforementioned really hot Gemini empathic thing) He is tall (6’2) has a full head of hair, is charming, and British, so he already got that bumbling-but-bright-buffoon thing going on.

  He’s 32 , mature, and really knows himself, he not out here in a new relationship every four months — also I already know he’s a good kisser from this scene in The Green Knight with Joel Edgerton. The closed eyes, the lingering moist air between them. Chile — I might have to save him for myself! No wait, for once, this isn’t about me. So let’s just make this love match happen! Also, justice for his character in Prime’s Modern Love. They really played in his face. Love the podcast, the show sucked. Still thinking about this kiss though. WHEW

  

  This is the kiss that Faith Hill was singing about in This Kiss. It’s centrifugal motion. It’s perpetual bliss!!! Photo: GIF from my spankbank

• Glen Powell (with long-ish hair and a beard)

  Meech @MediumSizeMeech

  I can’t tell if Glen Powell on the cover of GQ Hype is doing something for me or not. The sunglasses and the wisp of hair??? It’s 69% yes

  

  I know I said I was tired of seeing her with boring ass white men, BUT — Glen is, for all intents and purposes — the perfect candidate — on paper. He has a full head of hair, is very funny, charming, and sweet, and is also age appropriate. His film career is skyrocketing from just being the hot bisexual frat boy in Scream Queens, or the hot bisexual frat boy in Everybody Wants Some!! He’s a leading man now! And with a hot leading woman on his arm? It’s only getting better!

  He’s 34, and I’ve also already tried out the merchandise and give my seal of approval! I also feel like this is not a great photo of either us because a lot of drink had been consumed and there was recessed lighting AND a gross lighting fixture. All that aside, we are still hot nonetheless. That’s why I be telling y’all how important it is to find your light!

  Meech @MediumSizeMeech

  How’s its goinnngggggg

  

• Diego Calva (but just for like, 6 months)

  Meech @MediumSizeMeech

  Oh he doing press for Babylon????? I got sumn Diego Calva can Babyl on!!!!

  

  His new movie Babylon just flopped, so let’s be honest, he got some time and energy to burn off and what better way to burn energy than doing “cardio” with Evelyn Salt herself! Now, Diego is only 30 — which is too young for her, and he’s really just getting his first taste of megastardom (too bad that didn’t go well) and don’t even got no career to stand on — but this is also only a 6 month fling for her to get back on the horse. He’s what I like to call a starter hump, or, discretionary dick, if you will. You can’t get back on a stallion after only riding ponies, or not riding anything at all!

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