Britney Spears is No Longer Married, Not Yet Divorced

All she needs is time while she's in between

Another one bites the dust!

I truly don’t know if it’s because Venus is in gatorade, the planets are misaligned, or because of climate change, but baby divorce is in the AIR!

Earlier today, gossip site TMZ reported Britney Spears and her former beau Sam Asghari were calling it quits—and y’all already know how I feel about divorce, so I don’t have to say it—amid rumors of infidelity on Spears’ part. Now, as much as I love divorce, I don’t condone cheating. There are TWO (2) exceptions:

1. Kerry Washington and Tony Goldwyn

   Listen. They deserve it. No one on this Earth—not even them Bridgerton cast members have as much chemistry as these two. When he said “sweet baby” WHEW! I know Shonda Rhimes had to be YELLING on that set chile “I said cut! Why y’all still kissing? I SAID CUT!” if you’ve ever seen ANY video or photo of them, you know exactly what I’m talking about. I don’t make the rules (except right now) and guess what? Sometimes vows are meant to be broken. Or at least like, bent a little bit.

   

   Hollywood should really listen to me, I’ve got ideas. BIG ideas.

2. Me and Tony Goldwyn

   Everything I said about them, except it’s me and Tony in a room in which there are no others. (Obviously he has to wear the Fitz suits) and honestly if Kerry wanna join, the more the merrier!

Anyway, if the cheating rumors are true, which I’m not saying they are, if Lindsay Lohan taught us ANYTHING it’s that pop girlies are TIRED of rumors starting, and they’re SICK of being followed! But if the rumors ARE indeed true—this would be the third exception. Miss Girl has been locked up tight for a century of lonely nights, god forbid she get her back banged out by someone who isn’t her airhead husband. Sometimes she runs, sometimes she hides! And now that I mention it—if you were loving Red, White & Royal Blue, might I suggest Fire Island on Hulu! There is an AMAZING cover of Britney’s Sometimes but MUNA, you can thank me later. Sooner rather than later though.

This comes on the heels of reports that Spears is considering a tell-all sit down with Oprah ahead of her memoir being published, and I for one think that’s a great idea. Get ahead of the narrative, promote the book! Take back your autonomy! Your voice!

It must also be said that we have Octavia Spencer to thank. There’s a special place in heaven for women who help other women. Brit Brit got that prenup and it is iron clad baby. At the end of the day, I think she’s been through so much, and literally everyone who’s ever met her (even Beyoncé) says she’s the nicest, sweetest soul around, and who are we to judge her for getting some bombastic love, eh? Exactly. At the end of the day, it’s HER prerogative!

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