Get In Loser, We're Going Back In Time

If I could turnnnnn back time

As you may have read in the previous post, I watched the Beckham documentary and had absolute FOMO from not being at their wedding, or being able to taste DB’s Sticky Stuff (this could still happen, so keep your fingers crossed) and I wasn’t the only one. I also wanna talk about how he’s DEFINITELY wearing a wig/hairpiece, but that’s a post for a different day.

The thing about X (née Twitter) is that it brings people together, it creates a sense of community, of shared horniness.

In the spirit of Spooky Season, I also watched Totally Killer, a comedic slasher film on Prime about a girl (Sally Draper from Mad Men) who travels back in time to save her mother (Claire from Modern Family) from being killed by a serial killer who killed her friends in 1987. And now that I mention it—HELLO, that’s what I’m talking about women in STEM!

This film was written, and directed by, AND starring women! I will support Sally Draper in every pursuit she ever has!

But it got me to thinking about what I would do if I went back in time. Not like, changing major events that would ruin the time/space continuum or have serious repercussions like that Asht*n K*tcher movie The Butterfly Effect, but like, pop culture things I wish I’d experienced and didn’t. Also, remember when you were in primary school and you had to make a time capsule?? I wonder where that is now…

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This week, paid readers bent it like Beckham and received this post

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So now that I thought about it—here are the Top 5 Things I’d Go Back In Time To Do:

1. Tell Lady Diana Not To Get In That Limo

   I know I said that I would do anything that alters the time space continuum but when I said that John Mayer’s ‘Continuum’ album came on, and you want me to just ignore that sign? I don’t think. I would just slip her a note, and we’d figure something out. Or maybe I would help her get into witness protection and she and I would become friends while the whole world thinks she’s dead, and when the queen dies, we both will pop up in the middle of Piccadilly Circus and be like SURPRISE! Y’all just got PUNK’D.

2. See Willa Ford In Concert

   I was young, and sadly I never saw one of our greatest living artist live in concert. I know it would be like seeing Freddie Mercury at the Live Aid Concert, but better, because there would be more hairography. If I had seen Willa Ford in concert I would be unstoppable. But maybe the Universe knew that and that’s why it never happened. A boy can dream.

3. Attend The Meeting For The Naming of the Spice Girls

   Literally what the fuck happened there? Like who names a group Spice Girls, and none of them are named after spice except Ginger??? And that’s only because she has red hair??? Like who was leading that zoom call? I must know!

4. See Beyonce Perform At Walmart

   This is Beyhive lore. It has been said many times (by the queen herself) that she, and the rest of Destiny’s Child performed at Walmart. I don’t think I’ve ever been to a Walmart, I’ve only seen the PeopleOfWalmart posts, and honestly—I would risk it to get one glimpse of her.

5. Go For A Ride on Noah’s Ark

   If I’m being honest, I just wanna play with the animals. Two kinds of every animal, on one boat? Sounds like a fun time to me! Although I wonder how long they lasted. Were they in cages? Because I don’t believe in zoos, they’re terrible and I haven’t been to one since I was 7. It’s like that Raft Problem where you have to get the fox/wolf across the river on a raft but there’s also like a goat or something? Chile I don’t remember, but just imagine me on that boat. I’d die happy—unlike Leonardo DiCaprio when HE was on a boat. I’m built different.

Also—I need to know if y’all are watching House of Villains—I don’t really do reality TV anymore, but this looks amazing and it has classic reality TV villains! And I love villains! New York from Flavor of Love, Omarosa from The Apprentice, Jax from Vanderpump Rules, it’s gonna get messy.

Also, The Fall of the House of Usher just dropped on Netflix. Houses are having a moment!

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