Bone Broth Babe's Boy Is Besotted

Gwyn for the Win

If you were nosy as hell and went around and polling my exes, they would have good things to say about me.

Some would describe me as “A little over the top, but incredibly funny” and “Honest, to a fault, but he sure can kiss” or even “He **** my **** from the back and it made me want to marry him” — but all of that positive feedback doesn’t come close to what Brad Falchuk (the co-creator of Glee, so you already KNOW he’s unhinged) has to say about my good friend Gwyneth.

Over on the slowly deteriorating gossip site Twitter dot com, someone tweeted this:

I’m not reading all that, but I’m happy for you girlie

And it got me to thinking—what spell did she put on him to become so obsessed, and do I need to make a candle that smells like my genitals? Sadly, someone beat me to it. And for what it’s worth, as someone who showers regularly, mine smells wonderful! (it would smell like a fresh pot of coffee and happiness if you’re interested)

Obviously you can’t accept a candle like this from just ANYONE chile, some men don’t even wash their buttholes in the shower, so their ding-a-lings probably smell like—you know what? I won’t even go there

I’m not sure what I was expecting when I typed “How much bone broth do I have to drink to make my husband love me like Gwyneth Paltrow’s husband loves her” into Google, but it really didn’t point me in the right direction. Thanks a lot Biden!

The thing is, Brad’s—And now that I mention it, she really got a thing for dating men named Brad! What’s THAT about? Anyway, Brad’s Instagram posts aren’t just like “oh babe you’re so hot, thanks for putting up with me” no—this man is writing NOVELS, he’s writing fanfic, he’s writing sonnets! He really loves her! And I love that for her!

Exhibit A:

It’s very “sweatpants, hair tied, chillin with no makeup on” but it’s also short and sweet. He loves his woman no matter what, even when they’re slumming it at her multi-million dollar property in Italy that only has like 6 bedrooms. That’s how you KNOW it’s love!

Exhibit B:

I’m not reading all that, and I don’t expect you to either, but DAMN!

This one kind of reads like a rant you post you post the night after you hooked up with the hottest guy from your hometown after you two saw each other at your sister’s wedding reception that you specifically flew in for, but you’re not that shy, quiet girl from Mr. Shelling’s English Lit course anymore, and he’s not that extroverted rough neck from the wrong side of the tracks who works at his daddy’s mechanic shop. You’ve both grown up, and are ready to do kissing. Wait—What was I talking about again? Oh yeah—it was a sweet—if not long winded post. Love it tho!

Exhibit C:

Now this is kinda the same as the one before, but it’s like he’s just listing all her bad qualities and saying he loves her despite them. It’s like you and that hot hometown guy started texting after you flew back home, and got back to your life, and reality hits, three weeks later, you see why it didn’t work out. You weren’t meant to be.

Exhibit D:

This one is the most endearing in my opinion. He found a good photo of her (most men don’t know how to TAKE a good photo, let alone POST one on main) and talked not only about her beauty, but about her kindness, but also her “heartbreakingly long legs” LOLOLL so weird—but you can tell they have truly consciously coupled.

Anyway, Mercury Retrograde is over this weekend so may we all find someone who loves us this much. It’s getting hot outside, so it’ll be easier, trust me, everyone’s horny

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