Is Dating Old Men Cool Again? An Investigation

Daddy issues are OUT. Grandpa issues are IN

Some people say age is just a number.

While this is true, that age is just a number—a number that decides whether you can smoke, drink, or sign your life away before going off to war—most people who subscribe to that way of thinking are perverts. But this isn’t about that.

As dedicated readers may well know, Robert De Niro and Al Pacino—two veteran actors and octogenarians who gave us such films as House of Gucci and Meet The Fockers—are expecting children with their much younger girlfriends. These aren’t teenage “much younger” girlfriends, but when you’re in your eighties, everyone is much younger than you. Not to be ageist, but the last person to make dating an old ass man cool was Anna Nicole Smith (RIP queen) — and its latest adopter? Kelis.

Last month I was horny and curious, so I asked my followers who was the oldest person they would make whoopee with.

A lot of people didn’t get the memo because they were saying names like Idris Elba, and Denzel Washington, and Jeffrey Dean Morgan, even though I said oldEST! Like the absolute LIMIT.

A month later, Kelis decided to give me her answer by way of Page Six article. You coulda just texted me girlie!

First things first—I do not like Bill Murray. Sure he made Groundhog Day, but I will NEVER forget nor forgive how he treated Lucy Liu on the set of Charlie’s Angels. He was awful. But she’s not the only one who has made his misconduct known, over a dozen people in the industry have allegations against him. Also, who knows if they’re actually dating or not, they’ve just been seen around together a lot, and if When Harry Met Sally taught me anything (besides how to go for long walks and pick out cuddly chunky knit turtlenecks), it’s that men and women cannot be platonic friends! Obviously this isn’t true, but I love that movie, so for all intents and purposes, it is!

Obviously young men are very annoying, they don’t know anything, they’re uncultured, and you have to make sure they shower with soap—but are older men any better? They’re stuck in their ways, dress like Tommy Bahama, and when you wanna make whoopee you have to wait twenty minutes before the Cialis kicks in—and now that I mention it, I don’t know why I keep saying “make whoopee” it’s so funny to me.

When I was a kid I used to watch the Newlywed Game with my mother and I guess it stuck—but either way, are you any better off? Maybe—I don’t know if anyone has ever thought about this, but—what if all men are actually not worthwhile? Much to think about.

At any rate, the oldest person I would smash is Robert Redford who is 86—but every time I make a deposit into my spank bank, I’ll always remember him this way.

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