Is It Just Me, Or Are The Vibes Horrendous?

This is all Mercury's fault

I am a person who’s obsessed with routine.

Every morning before I get out of bed, I check my horoscope. This is a habit I’ve been trying to break, but my mama didn’t raise no quitter!

I open up Safari and check my horoscope on Cafe Astrology—a website I’ve been using since 2005—for a general, daily horoscope. I’ve been using it since 2005 because one thing about Miss Cafe Astrology? She’s insightful, knowledgable, and more importantly always right!

I then move on to the Co-Star Astrology app for a more detailed, nuanced horoscope, as second opinion if you will. Co-Star uses your birth date, time, and location. They all up IN your business chile, and that too is always correct. It helps me choose the correct face for the day when I know what to expect—very Eleanor Rigby teas.

If all goes well, like extremely well—I tell my Google Home to play Jai Ho by Nicole Scherzinger and A.R. Rahman—this is such an amazing song because it’s from Slumdog Millionaire, a brilliant (and fucked up) filmé, but what’s more is Nicole ignores the proper pronunciation and continues to say “Jay Ho!” I don’t know why she is the way she is, but I absolutely love it, and I never want her to change.

If things aren’t going so well, I ask the Google Home in a gentler voice to play I Don’t Want To Wait by Paula Cole. Now, a lot of you know this song because of Dawson’s Creek, which is fine, but that’s not why it’s my Depressed Morning Jam—it’s the lyrics. Like, she’s LITERALLY describing me and how I’m feeling. A woman with two babies in the war of ‘44??? I mean HELLO?! It’s like holding up a mirror.

But it really puts me in a great mood to just like—yearn, and long, and stare blankly out the window waiting for my husband to return. It’s melancholy in the best way. And now that I mention Dawson’s Creek—Hollywood has really slept on James van der Beek, because he was SO funny in The B In Apt 23 as—well, James van der Beek. His comedic timing, his hair, his smile—it’s everything they’re trying to build with this new crop of young hearthrobs and it’s NOT HAPPENING.

I mean, look at the material your honour.

I personally just need Mercury to stop living in the past. Why are you always going retrograde girl? STAND UP. April showers are supposed to bring May FLOWERS! Not seasonal depression!

Anyway, some Quick Mentions:

1. The Met Gala sucked (obvi) but Anne Hathaway is a queen, Margot Robbie’s stylist STILL hates her, and Kendall Jenner is still allergic to serving

2. Florence Pugh’s haircut was a lackluster moment

3. I didn’t want to mention this, like at ALL—but Bill Nighy and Anna Wintour are dating? I mean I guess it’s good he’s dating someone age appropriate but *sigh*

4. I have always liked Amanda Seyfried, but I met her last year and we had like a 20 minute chat and she is so sweet (and small!) and I’m not really sure what was happening with her Met Gala look, but I really loved the energy!

5. I stand with the WGA!!!

Sidebar: Is anyone watching Couples Therapy? Y’all know I don’t do reality TV but after watching this TikTok, these couples are INSANE!!! I couldn’t be a therapist because I would be screaming and yelling at all these women to leave these men! They’re terrible!!!

Thank you for subscribing to Now That I Mention It—and now that I mention it, thank you for being a friend