Daisy Jones and the Six Questions I Have For Riley Keough

Elvis’ granddaughter perplexes me more than he did

Thanks to next-day shipping, Daisy Jones and the Six delivered Riley Keough into the homes of Prime Video users everywhere.

The songs from the show may have been—in my rightful opinion—boring, but she is making a name for herself with projects like Zola, and The Terminal List (all her other projects I’ve literally never heard of, sorry sweetie!) and even though she doesn’t share his last name, I’m sure growing up as the granddaughter of Elvis Presley probably came with its perks.

For starters—you’re rich—I mean I could end the perks there because what more do you really need when you’re rich! The world is your oyster, girly! Alas, like a good Starline Tour Bus driver invading the privacy of Hollywood celebs—I will proceed.

You also get into Graceland for free. I went once as a child, and it’s moderately fun if you get a few burgers at Krystal, and ice cream after. If you’re not sure what Krystal is, it’s like the southern version of White Castle with square meat. It’s very weird, but very tasty! It was in the 90’s at least, but so were Gushers, so who truly knows how well it did or didn’t age.

I just realized Wendy’s also has square meat. Is square the new circle?

Another added perk is you already have your foot in the door when it comes to Hollywood. This is perhaps the worst of the perks, actually, because nepotism is truly ruining Hollywood—just ask Ben Platt!

But it’s not all blue suede shoes and hound dogs, that lineage must also come with some hard truths, like hearing your grandfather died on the toilet. I live alone, and I still close and lock the door when I do a number two—but I have daymares (a nightmare, but in the daytime when you’re awake) about a burglar breaking in and finding me in such a vulnerable position he doesn’t even rob me, but takes a photo of me on the toilet and posts it online. That’s worse than being robbed, honestly. So imagine you died on the toilet and that’s how everyone remembers you. EEK!!!

There’s also the whole thing that he met your grandmother when she was a literal 14 year-old child, when he was 24, now THIS is something age gap twitter should be upset about. She even went as far as to romanticize it, and like girl, let’s get you some therapy. You were a VICTIM.

To add insult to injury, he stole music from Black people. But the worst of these things was that Austin Butler played him in a film about his life. I can’t imagine the hurt and pain that caused.

Me when I see my crush and I’m trying to be lowkey Photo: Vanity Fair

In a new interview with Vanity Fair, she opens up about a few things—none of which I care about, the interview was BORING, and so as an investigatory journalist, I just had to ask my own questions, hope she reads this newsletter, and sends me a reply. I’m doing this for you dear readers, I’m doing this for us, I’m doing this for America. Also, do these photos not look like pics from America’s Next Top Model where Tyra would be like “We didn’t get ONE good photo from you the whole shoot” lolololol.

Pack your bags and go HOME. Photos throughout: Marco Sorrenti for Vanity Fair

1. Why did you name your baby “Tupelo Storm Smith-Peterson”????

   It’s a simple question, really. I know why, but I wanna know WHY? It sounds like a weather warning in southeast New Mexico, even though it’s actually just the city where Elvis was born. Imagine if he was born in like, Milwaukee. lol

2. Why did you let them put Sam Claflin in those wigs in Daisy Jones and the Six?

   I don’t know if you know this or not, but Sam Claflin is incredibly sexy! And for some reason they had him in this middle school teacher wig! What was the reason!

   

3. Have you ever had a Krispy Kreme—was it crispy?

   Self explanatory.

4. What did you think of Tom Hanks’ delivery of “he’s WHITE?” when he first heard your grandpa sing?

   Tom Hanks said I KNOW THAT AIN’T WHO I THINK IT IS!

5. Which actor who played your grandfather would you rather boink—Austin Butler or Jacob Elordi (I know we haven’t seen Jacob’s version from Sofia Coppola yet, but still)

   The answer to this is obviously both, but you start with Jacob Elordi and end with Austin Butler while Jacob stares at you in the corner and cries. That boy is EMOTIONAL.

6. Will you be taking any acting classes?

   I will pay for them. Just please sign up. My friend Mr. Cousineau teaches a great course.

In the aforementioned interview with Vanity Fair, the photoshoot was very uninspired, and the broken fan they used to blow her thin hair really left a lot to be desired.

It’s giving—woman waiting for the bus in the winter and the wind is blowing

It’s giving—woman waiting for the bus in spring but she REALLY has to pee

It’s giving—woman waiting for the bus in summer, but she’s also kinda drunk and feeling herself

It’s giving—woman who just woke up

It’s giving—don’t talk to me before I’ve had my coffee!

I don’t think Baz Luhrmann, the director of Elvis would be too pleased to see these.

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