OMG Karen, You Can't Just Ask Mermaids Why They're Black!
"I don't think my father, the King of the Ocean would be too pleased with this"
Half a decade ago, in 2017, a film called The Shape of Water directed by noted filmmaker Guillermo del Toro confused, and captivated a nation. It caused film-lovers across the warming globe to swoon over the “love story” of a man with the body of a fish (or a fish with the body of a man?) and a mousy lady-janitor who form a UNIQUE (that’s what you are) relationship with each other, and fall in love at a top secret research facility in the 1960’s. Let’s cut to the chase. Bestie, she fucked the fish man. They had hot and heavy, freaky deaky, wet and nasty aquatic sex ( I know it smelled CRAZY in there) the film won Best Picture and Best Director at the Oscars, and yet — people are more upset that a fictional mermaid is black, than they are about that woman FUCKING A FISH. Could he give consent? I don’t think! Interracial Marriage wasn’t even legal yet and Miss Girl was having interspecies trysts. She fucked a whole FISH. I know Flounder somewhere screaming, crying, throwing UP.
Now, The Little Mermaid (1989) is not my favourite classic Disney film. If I’m being completely honest, it doesn’t even register in my Top 10. Out of ALL the Disney classics, that honour would have to go to one of the most problematic Disney films of all time, Pocahontas (1995). She had the best songs, the best hair, the best cheekbones, I mean sis was engaged to fine ass Kokoum and was on her way to being iconique, and then a white man who thought he owned whatever land he landed on ruined it all, knowing DAMN WELL he didn’t know how to paint with all the colours of the wind! I bet he didn’t even “see colour.” Imagine risking it all for a man with no lips and a blonde bob that’s DESPERATE for some purple toner. Embarrassing!
HOWEVER, I will be supporting my niece Halle Bailey! What bothers me so much about this conversation that erupted since the Do It singer has been attached to the project are all the “reasons” people keep coming up with as to why a mermaid “can’t be black” while refusing to wrestle with the fact that MERMAIDS ARE NOT REAL! They are a concept sailors created to rationalize their BBW (big beautiful walrus) fetish and permit them doing the nasty with seals while out at sea for months on end without judgement. Or, in the case of Robert Pattinson and Willem Dafoe in the phallic philm The Lighthouse (2019) getting up close and personal with se(a)men. Not only are mermaids not real, but this is a work of fiction by a gay man who used this story as a metaphor for queer longing! Y’all math is what??? NOT MATHING!!!
What’s even more annoying are the dumb racists confusing Halle Bailey with Halle Berry. And if Halle Berry wanted to play a High Schooler on a CW Vampire series???? I would support her in that too!
Although — I do have more questions about The Shape of Water, as L. Gaga’s Ally Maine would put it, why’d you come around me with an ass like that? He’s making all my thoughts OBSCENE! Was he born with this ass, or did he go to Dr. Miami??? Is it implants, or a lil lipo? Like, do I see what she was seeing??? A little bit!
But also this was so fucking funny. The internet is going to be a MESS when this film finally drops, and I will be scrolling right along with it.
Honourable Mention
Beyoncé’s birthday came and went without visuals to her number 1 chart topping smash hit album Renaissance act i — and do I feel a little bey-trayed? Yes. So imagine MY surprise when she has a birthday party in Bel-Air on Saturday September 10th, and not only does she not invite me, but she literally still hasn’t dropped any visuals!!! Not one video! It’s very much giving absentee mother! But what she did give us was this photo of Michael B. Jordan’s arms leaving said party. And for that, I am grateful.
New York Fashion Week is a nightmare these days. For one, fashion is absolutely, positively in Cycle 23 of its flop era, and it really just doesn’t have the same Bryant Park jenny sank won that it used to, however, this TikTok of
Anna Wintourignoring Kim Kardashian and going to hug Sarah Jessica Parker brought me so much joy. Some things will never change.The Resurrection of Jake Gyllenhaal by the Coward
Robert FordMeecham Whitson Meriweather. Listen, we all make mistakes. But what is love, if not forgiving Jake Gyllenhaal for cutting his hair and dressing like a slovenly roué? Surely what we had (his long hair and chunky knit sweaters) are proof enough that he deserves a second chance, and who am I to deny him that? He is listening*. He is learning*. (*his hair is growing out, *he’s wearing sweaters again)
Don’t Mention It
Aging longtime bachelor Leonardo DiCaprio was seen hanging out with aging predator
Jared Letoand I don’t know WHAT’S going on but if Leo is prepping for a film on how to hop in the DMs of underage girls and make the WORST vampire movie of all time *coughs* Morbius *coughs* then I guess he’s in the right place! But surely he doesn’t need to do this, have some self ESTEEM!
More of Harry Styles’ acting. The reviews of My Policeman (2022) have dropped and SPOILER ALERT they’re bad, and Rotten Tomatoes didn’t go easy on it either, and to be fair, did anyone expect anything else after “the movie feels like a movie” banter??? Embarrassing.
Perhaps the worst (is it fair for me to say the worst? Everything has been bad) of all the press Styles’ acting has received is this scathing review, nay, a conversation on the topic of his acting skills from Vulture.
Kinda crazy just how fast the night changes, huh?
Did I Forget To Mention
I read a new book this week but I will NOT be recommending it because I hated how it ended and the “twist” wasn’t a twist at all!!!
I know I never talk about this, but I love a period piece. Yet I do feel as though we suffered enough with the stories of Catherine de Medici??????? So I found myself pleasantly surprised with how much I love The Serpent Queen. It’s fun, it’s fresh, it’s camp, and it’s still hangs true to history. And the costuming? Absolutely beautiful. See it!
Samantha Morton as Catherine de Medici in The Serpent Queen Photo: Lions Gate I am always wary of reboots because truly, Hollywood hasn’t come up with a new idea since the beginning of the Obama administration, but when the American Gigolo reboot starring Jon Bernthal was announced, even though the Richard Gere version is so close to my heart, I was — how you say — exploding with excitement. Bestie, that was very short lived. It was SO weird, and his acting was way too over the top, and every 15 minutes there was a jumpscare of Rosie O’Donnell as a detective. Skip it!
Jon Bernthal as Julian Kaye in American Gigolo on Showtime Photo: Courtesy of Showtime Also, not to kinkshame, but do y’all remember that rumour about Richard Gere putting a live gerbil up his butt? Was that regional? Am I misremembering? Is this the Nelson Mandela effect? Um chile anyways so!
Thank you so much for reading, and now that I mention it — thank you for being a friend.
Not a regional thing; the Gere myth pretty much overran my school in Oregon and never really went away. Maybe a coastal thing? I dunno.