Post Divorce Gisele Bündchen is Living The Life I Want

She said BOY BYE

Feb 16, 2023

I am not a spiteful person.

I am however, a person who believes in karma, and I don’t mind giving karma a little nudge now and then to help her out. And in Gisele’s case, she doesn’t mind doing a spell or two to get things going.

Meech @MediumSizeMeech

When the spell you learned from Gisele Bündchen worked

Dedicated readers may remember a time in which I speculated whether or not Gisele Bündchen was a witch, and whether or not she cast a spell to make Tom Brady lose that football game, and also whether or not she cast a spell to help the Brazilian government elect a new president in the face of immense opposition. And while we may never know (we definitely know) all that remains to be seen is that she is living her best life, without Tom Brady.

Meech @MediumSizeMeech

The way Gisele Bündchen looks moisturized and unbothered in her “bachelorette pad” while Tom Brady is posting poorly lit thirst traps in a seedy hotel

Again, I am not a spiteful person, but there really is just an immense amount of enjoyment in having a conscious uncoupling with someone who did you wrong, and watching them crumble to pieces without you. Like looking at your ex’s Instagram account, and realizing there’s nothing but sadness in their eyes, or that their hair is thinning, or that they recently got hit by a car. It’s not your fault, they brought that on themselves!!! It’s karma!

Now That I Mention It

A Marriage Story (2019) Dissolving Faster Than Kim K's BBL

Is Gisele Bündchen a witch? Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, of that, no one can be sure. Has she cast spells? Yes. Does she do weekly “crazy pre-game rituals” ??? ALSO YES. But suspicion is only 13/7ths of the law (I feel like that’s not right, but I’m not good with fractions) All I’m saying is — if EYE was her, I wouldn’t go anywhere near Salem…

3 years ago · 14 likes · Meecham Whitson Meriweather

What I do know is, is that I wanna have brunch with Gisele Bündchen. I want us to go to some far away exotic locale we can only get to with one of Taylor Swift’s private planes, order a couple of Bellinis from a hot, swarthy, French waiter name Maxime, or Jean-Claude, or Rene, and trades spells. I want us to live, laugh, love on the beach wearing Hermés sandals and La Mer sunscreen, and trade stories about our exes (and the truth about deflategate) while sipping Oaxacan mezcal. Also the dogs are obviously there.

Being adored by two adorable animals? She’s literally living my DREAM

I want us to get so filthy drunk that we RE-charter Taylor Swift’s private plane go to Tom Brady‘s house and TP it. I mean toilet paper every-damn-where. We don’t need to trash it, we don’t need to break anything, WHY? Because we’re BETTER than that. We’re CLASSY — we just want to make it incredibly hard for him to get that fucking toilet paper off of his house which will only be 1/157th of what he put her through raising them damn kids alone as a supermodel!

Obviously we would pick up some flowers, because what? We can buy ourselves flowerrrrssss Photo: Screenshot from her IG

The thing is — I, being the genius that I am — saw this coming. I read the writing on the wall, and the writing on the wall said it’s time to SLAY. There was NO REASON for her to come back to the modeling industry and slay this hard before she ACTUALLY came back to the modeling industry. She hooked up with THE Steven Meisel, the penultimate photographer in a spread for British Vogue (you know damn well it wasn’t going to be American Vogue because the flop era has never not existed for them) stormed into Edward Enninful’s office, and said “I want to make history. And that’s what she did.

Meech @MediumSizeMeech

Gisele coming back for the June issue of British Vogue—she KNEW the modeling industry was at its lowest, girls staring blankly in the camera, not knowing how to walk, looking down at the runway in front of them even tho it ain’t going NOWHERE—she said “I’m on my way” swee-ties