5 Dead Men Sexier Than People’s Sexiest Man Alive

Can't spell romance without necromancy!

Every year People Magazine lies about who the sexiest man alive is, so it makes sense they did it again this year. At least they’re consistent!

In the wee hours of the morning, said People decided that Chris Evans was 2022’s sexiest man alive, which, as I said before is a lie. Especially in 2022. Knives Out and Avengers: Endgame both dropped in 2019, but what has he really done since? The Gray Man (who wasn’t even gray!) Lightyear (flop) Don’t Look Up???? Chile ANYWAYS.

People were fawning over his fisherman sweater and his ass (that I am very suspicious of — I know a booty pad when I see one!) and he had great hair that year, why wouldn’t he have been the Sexiest Man Alive then instead of John FUCKING Legend. Like who decided THAT?

Meech @MediumSizeMeech

How do you think People comes up with its Sexiest Man Alive roster? Do they just order a shit-ton of Sweetgreen to the office one day and say “who was REALLY HOT 5 years ago???”

Here’s the thing, I think it’s a little rude — and ableist actually — that sexy men are relegated to those who are alive. When a man dies, is he no longer sexy? Wow, the silence is DEAFENING. Anyway, as you may well know, I love ranking things, as such, I’ve compiled a list of 5 Dead Men Sexier Than People’s Sexiest Man Alive

Billy Butcherson

Hocus Pocus already showed us Billy was sexy by having two Sanderson sisters fight over who was his rightful lover. They brought him back 400 years later, right down to the day, and one thing about Billy, he still gon slay! Plus he was like 6’4. Also, his mouth is sewn shut, and you know what I love more than a tall man? A QUIET ONE!

Meech @MediumSizeMeech

Also, not to be weird but I just KNOW Billy Butcherson was fine as hell when he was alive. Look at them cheekbones. AND he’s into vogueing? Sign me up

Meech @MediumSizeMeech

Also Billy Butcherson is BACK in Hocus Pocus 2. I ain’t a virgin but I got a candle he can light!

Jake Gyllenhaal in Source Code

Listen, I know nobody watched that movie — mostly because he shaved his head. I don’t know why doesn’t he understand nobody likes a bald-headed ho??? We need those luscious locks baby. I’m glad he’s growing his hair back out because I was — ANYWAY!!! I’m getting sidetracked. The thing is, watching him as a straphanger tryna be a hero and failing every time? Baby I got a strap you can hang from! I can be your hero baby!!! Nooo don’t die, your so sexy, haha

Jacob Benjamin Gyllenhaal with a firm grip on that pole. I got a pole he can grip!!! Photo: Jonathan Wenk

Paul Newman and Marlon Brando

Now, I have to bring them both back because they’re the kings of threesomes. Paul Newman and James Dean once took Eartha Kitt to heaven when they had a threesome. We love bi kings! Marlon Brando was known for rocking and knocking some boots with Marvin Gaye and even Richard Pryor, let Quincy Jones tell it!

Brando (left) Newman (center) — listen, there is no heterosexual explanation for the way Paul Newman is looking at Marlon Brando

Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense

Was he the smartest? No, but he was kinda hot! Haley Joel Osment literally told him “I see dead people” did you think you were the exception to that rule? It’s giving self-centered narcissist. Also, his lil toupee was a mess! Wait a minute, now I’m thinking maybe he actually wasn’t hot at all.

Anyways. There are way hotter people in this world (and the next) than Chris Evans. People. Can y’all come up with something ELSE?

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