Taylor Swift Exes As Starbucks Drinks Is Right Actually, But Also Wrong

Idea? Fantastic. Execution? I don't think

A very dumb Twitter user recently tweeted that Zac Efron—who is 35—was “ageing like fine wine” and after I relaxed brow from the most intense furrow it’s ever known, I uttered “she’s kind of on to something” aloud to no one.

Here’s the thing, while “ageing like fine wine” should be reserved for people in their mid to late 40s, when you’ve been paying too many bills, and life has started to steal collagen right out from under you—men are a lot like beverages. Stay with me now!

Par exemple, some men are really cool, and pair well in the summer when you’re thirsty and will put just about anything in your mouth (Chris Hemsworth, Ryan Gosling, Adam Levine in 2014), and some are really, really hot. These are the ones you have to take your time with, or you’ll get burnt (Sam Clafin, Fitz from Scandal, Milo Ventimiglia). Others, namely Jake Gyllenhaal, are simply like Starbucks orders.

I do want to preface this by saying the media really does pay too much attention to Taylor Swift’s dating life, but also when you write a song about every ex that your fans obsess over—that’s kind of what happens! Anyway, let us continue bestie.

Harold Styles

• Positing Harold as a “Hot Vanilla Latte” is—an incredible reach. A tremendous reach your honour. I would go so far as to say he is not a hot anything. He is the stale, burnt office coffee you put in your favourite mug. It’s comforting. You know the coffee isn’t good, but it does the job. It reminds you of the good coffee you had before, when you were younger, back when the coffee was still in One Direction. It gets you through the day, and really—what more can you ask of it?

Joe Jonas

• I’ll be honest, I had to google “Dragon Drink” because girl what the fuck is that? But—I think that barista got this one right! Joe definitely has a little sweetness to him, and he’s the refreshing drink that doesn’t really add anything to your life—no nutritional value, and the tiniest bit of caffiene, but he DOES look great on your Instagram, and every time you order it, you feel a little spark of joy.

  

Tom Hiddleston

• Let’s just start off with the fact that Tom went to Eton—that alone suggests he cannot be a London Fog. Tom is a Flat White. Nothing special, but great all the same. Is he a joy to have in your mouth? Meh. But sometimes meh is okay.

  

Taylor Lautner

• Taylor—who is obsessed with dating, and marrying other people named Taylor—is more of a cortado than a Vanilla Sweet Cream Cold Brew. He doesn’t have the chutzpah to be cold brew, but there is something there, something bubbling underneath that is a little excitable, but also, this boy is NOT white, Loca!

  

John Mayer

• What I will say is—Taylor’s relationship with John Mayer spawned one of my favourite songs from her. Was it predatory? Yes. Is he just weird as fuck all around? Also yes—but I do love Heavier Things, that album got me THROUGH some things in college, and it was before they dated. Anyway, John Mayer is the Decaf Americano, actually. All the makings of a real coffee drink, but none of the perks.

Jake Gyllenhaal

• Implying Jake Gyllenhaal was the Decaf Americano was where this barista should have been fired, and locked away in a loony bin forever, because baby the brain ain’t working! Long Haired Jake is an espresso served in Richard Ginori porcelain, enjoyed al fresco on your veranda in the Italian Countryside. He is a breath of fresh air. He is, now more than ever, what I want in my mouth most.

  

Calvin Harris

• This drink has been discontinued

Joe Alwyn

• Not to be rude, but Joe Alwyn is a tall water. Not a grande, not a venti, no ice. Just water in a cup. And not even COLD water, room temperature, lukewarm water.

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