Taylor Swift's Good PR Machine Is Running Out of Gas

And there isn't a BP in sight

By now, you’ve probably heard that Taylor Swift and Matty Healy are over.

There goes—the last great US/UK relations dynasty. What an awful few weeks it was. Maybe the worst thing out of this is that we’re not even going to get good music out of it, no hit single titled ‘Bad Boy Lessons’ or ‘Matty Couldn’t Heal Me (Taylor’s Version)’, but honestly, truly—what can we expect from the girl who fell in love on THE HIGH LINE!

Anyway, this breakup comes on the heels of the re-release of my favourite album of hers, Speak Now. A no-skips album that spawned hits like such Sparks Fly, Back to December, Dear John, Enchanted—I mean she was truly in her bag with that album.

Her incredibly loyal fans have been—even if mortified, and extremely delusional—by her side, with many just saying it was a publicity stunt, but the thing about publicity stunts is that that they should IMPROVE your PR, not damage it. Hello!

At the very least it should get people talking, creating buzz, like what Kris Jenner is trying to do with these Kylie and Timothée Chalamet rumors that literally no one cares about. Taylor shacking up with Matty has literally zero positive outcomes. And now that I mention it—you are a grown man! Why are people calling you “Matty”? That’s a BABY’S name! A TODDLER’S name! A GOLDEN RETREIVER’S name! Shut UP!

Personally—I get wanting to date a bad boy, there’s just something hot about dating someone mysterious, and dangerous, and unpredictable. Someone who, as Aly and AJ would put it—make your Chemicals React. It’s exciting—IN YOUR EARLY 20s.

Many of Swift’s fans have speculated as to why Swift would have dated Healy to begin with (he’s not smart, or hot, or more rich than she is, or even a kind person!) landing on “he must know how to lay pipe” — listen, good sex can make you do some crazy things, trust me I know. I once had a guy drive 8 hours through a blizzard just to see me for 2 days, but this isn’t about me—if you look at that man and think he knows what he’s doing, I need you to hop in the car with me babe, because I’m taking you to the eye doctor to get checked out IMMEDIATELY. Plus, I trust Anna Shay.

Anyway—my prediction is that EVENTUALLY, she’ll end up with someone rich, but not famous. It’s the perfect combo really. It seems like that’s the best road for female celebrities, because men are frail creatures with even more frail egos.

My advice to Taylor, if you’re gonna date weirdos—at least make sure it makes sense musically, and dramaturgically! Alexa, play Cruel Summer by Taylor Swift!

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