The Old Men and the Sea: A Concluded Investigation
And also the 19 year-old
*This investigation has been closed now that we have more information
One of my favourite books growing up was Moby Dick.
And no—not just because it had the word “dick” in the title (that was part of it) but it was more so that I really love the idea of an unplanned, uncharted, unexpected adventure—IN MY MIND.
I always wanted to get lost in a wondrous land like I was Gulliver and I was traveling—and for some reason, in high school I had a really weird teacher who had us read Moby Dick, The Old Man and the Sea, and 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea all within a few months of each other—did he have a secret water fetish? Did a past lover drown in an accident he never forgave himself for? Was he obsessed with water because he wanted to have sex with a fish? Who knows, but that’s neither here nor there.
Anyway, my fascination with these sorts of adventures saw me explore them from the comfort of my own home, paging through novels, cuddled up watching movies (Deep Blue Sea, The Hunt For Red October, Anaconda) about them on my own sofa, you know why?
BESIDES THE LITTLE MERMAID, WE DON’T KNOW WHAT’S IN THE OCEAN!
Billionaires were really in their foolish bag when they decided to pay $250,000 to hop in a tank the size of a Fiat and sink to the bottom of the ocean to look around a ship that—you guessed it—also sank to the bottom of the ocean. Did they not watch the movie Titanic where they can plainly see how much can go wrong when one little iceberg is involved, or did they simply stop watching after Leonardo DiCaprio drew Kate Winslet like one of his lil Emily in Parises???
Why can’t rich people just go vacation on a private island like they used to?
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JLo's Horny Ben Affleck Post Wins Father's Day
Hello my sweet babies! This week, Now That I Mention It is back to it’s regular, iconic format of Honourable Mention/Don’t Mention It—I feel like for weeks, if not months, celebs were SO BORING! But it seems like they got a clue from Cher Horowitz, read my tweets, got back in the kitchen, rearranged a few things, and now we can thank the lord (Beyoncé) for Jennifer Lynn Affleck’s shamelessness, and a slew of other news.
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Here’s what we know:
There are 5 passengers on board, four old men and a 19 year-old. Most of these men are very rich (millionaires and billionaires) yet no one thought to do a quality check on the equipment they were hopping inside (a chimpanzee could do that)
Not to victim blame, but—they had to sign a crazy contract to even get IN the submersible, so they knew the risk.
There’s been a “debris field discovered” near where the Titanic sank
However, the stepson of one of the men on board—who the internet has deemed The Submersible Stepson—was absolutely losing his mind.
Starting drama with Cardi B, commenting on OnlyFans models’ photo asking for her support and later DMing for free subscriptions, I mean he truly did not care at ALL!
But I guess maybe he got some sense because last night he deleted his account, so let’s be thankful for that!
We really don’t know much else! And now it’s being reported
I personally don’t know what this means because to me “debris field” means many pieces scattered, as in—an explosion—but one thing I do know (from the books thank you very much) is that water pressure makes things implode, so what is the truth? Sadly, it’s not looking good for them. I will continue to update this until we have clarification!
Update:
They dead, they been dead, and everybody but us knew it. The explosion/implosion was heard days ago.
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A rare moment I miss being on Twitter.
The stepson wilding out on Twitter is truly something...like hey, maybe he and his stepdad didn’t get along, but Cardi was right. He could at least be there for his mom and not clout-chasing on social media.