When Will HBO Let Theo James Be Bisexual???
Hannah Montana called it the best of both worlds for a REASON
Is it just me, or is HBO pushing an anti-bisexual agenda?
On Sunday night, with a glass of Frappato in hand, and a Primrose Facial Cleansing masque from Aesop sur mon visage, I turned on Home Box Office’s The White Lotus to tune in to this week’s episode SPECIFICALLY to see Theo James FINALLY dip his smooth, thick fingers into the bussy of bisexuality — because I was actually interested, and not just because HBO sent me all that free shit.
Mike White’s show about a bunch of white people who go to a hotel and do white people things was very boring to me until the arrival of Theo James — who is a swarthy, tall, dark, and handsome king, bisexual Puerto-Rican Princess Aubrey Plaza, and muscular Asian king Will Sharpe’s bottom hairs. Suddenly, I was INTERESTED. You can follow along to the live tweeting of this week’s episode here:
The thing is, as America’s resident bisexual queer black man of colour, seeing myself represented in HBO shows is few and far between. Yes I was more of a Miranda and Carrie smashed together when it came to Sex and the City, but that’s neither her nor there! Carrie, a sex columnist literally DUMPED a man because she found out he was bisexual. Not very “sex-positive” of you sweetie!!! No wonder Big left you at the altar!
It’s almost like HBO is actually an acronym for Hating Bisexuals, Obviously — because why won’t they let Will Sharpe (Ethan) and Theo James (who plays the other guy) kiss already! We get it, you’re married! BUT boy if you don’t carpe that bootay!
Now, as a monogamous bisexual I don’t believe that everyone cheats. Theo just be saying shit. HOWEVER, you are on an HBO show, about indulging in excess, in Sicily. Of COURSE you’re supposed to cheat! What happens in Sicily, STAYS in Sicily, except pubic lice. Them Sicilian crabs ain’t no joke (from what I hear. I am a virgin)
Plus, Theo is open to bisexual allegory! Let your freak fa—I mean flag fly! In an interview with The Hollywood Reporter for their film Divergent, he and musty, natural deodorant wearer Shailene Woodley were pretty candid about the film’s underpinnings
And if his turn in The Time Traveler’s Wife — where he LITERALLY time-travelled to give himself a blowjob — isn’t proof enough, chile I don’t know what IS!
I have had a lot of struggles with Hollywood lately, like, A LOT is happening, and at the same time, a lot ISN’T happening. Too many people’s identities are being denied, and not enough people’s bodies are being explored. Hollywood needs to CHANGE!
The only girl who is really DOING something about the dwindling representation of bisexuals is the reboot of Gossip Girl. Hello progress! Penn Badgley should have been the OG Gossip Girl’s bisexual, I mean, let’s be honest, you ran a gossip blog sweetie.
I guess I will have to survive off the fumes of Max and Aki’s kiss in a bath haus on GG.
Anyway, when HBO is ready to be PROGRESSIVE, and move FORWARD, I will be here. Until then, my Bisexual Foreshadowing Folder will remain open, like Daniel Craig and Rachel Weisz’s relationship. (ALLEGEDLY)
(SLURPS) Mm, indeed.
Honourable Mention
Duke It Out
African American Panther: Wakanda Forever’s Winston Duke is on the cover of Esquire in a profile penned by
's very own but if you were looking to get a glimpse of his thighs, you're out of luck, because he's covered up, except one photo where he got his chesticles out. #balanceOlivia Pope Has Taken A Vacation
I don’t/won’t really get into politics in this newsletter cause that’s not really my brand, BUT politics seem to be swinging in the right direction these days, which means Olivia and Fitz must be in Vermont or something. Good for them.
Happier Endings
Most of the crew from cancelled-too-soon TV show Happy Endings got back together at VultureFest (Brad and Jane were noticeably missing — but I feel like I heard the actress who plays Jane went on some far-right rant or something years ago, I can’t remember exactly, so if you do, lemme know)
Don’t Mention It
That song Unholy by Sam Smith and Kim Petras
That Lewy Vaton song by Meghan Trainor. It’s been stuck in my head since I obsessively watched this tiktok of Penn Badgley
Taylor Lautner and Taylor Lautner’s marriage. Something is going on loca, and I don’t wanna know!!!
Arguments about whether canned or homemade cranberry sauce is better. CANNED IS BETTER! SHUT UP
Did I Forget To Mention
Speaking of Happy Endings, Penny Hartz (Casey Wilson) wrote The Wreckage of My Presence, a hilarious book of essays over the pandemic that didn’t get NEARLY enough press, so if you haven’t read it, definitely give a go — although HarperCollins is still on strike for unfair wages, so wait until next week.
This week’s playlist theme is MUSIC 4 BISEXUALS
Thank you for subscribing to Now That I Mention It — and now that I mention it, thank you for being a friend.
Oh no, not Eliza Coupe possibly being right-wing!!! I can’t find any info on this so I hope it’s not true, I love her haha.
Obvi I didn’t think SATC was UNproblematic but thank you for the jolting reminder of the open anti-bi sentiment there 🤢 so yucky of you HBO et al