Biden Needs To Pardon Will Benson From I Still Know What You Did Last Summer While He's At It

Since when is STILL knowing what somebody did last summer a crime???

In the wee small hours of the morning¹, Joseph Robinette Biden, Jr released a statement saying he was pardoning his son Hunter Biden for the crimes of *checks notes* having a good time and being a party girl—despite earlier promises not to. Do I blame him? As a father of a four years old daughter, No. You’d do anything for your kids. If people want to shake their fingers, or wring their hands in frustration, they’re more than welcome to, but I would ask you to turn your attention to someone else Joe Biden should be pardoning, Will Benson—that’s right, Will… Ben’s son from I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (1998), let me state my case!

Will Benson is hot. That alone should make one eligible for a pardon! But a great woman once said, “judge not a book by its cover, for not ye throw the first book be judged” and that woman was Amelia Earhart. I don’t really know what she was trying to say, but I’m a feminist, and I believe women.

But imagine if it were you. Imagine if one night while you were sat at home, eating your bagel bites, watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer kill innocent vampires, and your father never came home from his job as a fisherman. What would you do? You have to go on, live your life, enroll in college with no father figure to guide you. SAD!

Mind you, he campaigned, and voted for Kamala Harris! Will Benson innocent! How could someone who did THAT be guilty of *checks notes* killing Jack Black—and honestly, he had dreadlocks in that movie so he kind of deserved it.

He could have been a normal college student, experimenting with his sexuality, taking trips to exotic locations, dancing to Sean Paul in da club, but no—some irresponsible youths had to go and change the trajectory of his life forever.

Sometimes I think about what could have become of him if he hadn’t been forced to commit homicide against Julie’s friends, who would he be, exactly? And then, in my first time watch of BROTHERS AND SISTERS², I got a glimpse into who that was. He was the sane, democratic half to Calista Flockhart’s insane, republican energy.

Anyway, am I saying that Will Benson was justified for doing what he did? Yes. And am I saying that he deserves to be pardoned for it? Absolutely. Besides, it’s not like he killed Brandy or Jennifer Love Hewitt. He knew better. I think he should kill MORE!

Until Will Benson is pardoned, none of us can truly be safe in this world. Amen.

1. Iconic Frank Sinatra song that I will never get tired of. Ava Gardner really broke his heart, and he deserved it!!!

2. I hiiiiiiiiighly recommend watching this show. I can’t believe I didn’t watch when it came out. I feel like a terrible person, but I fixed it by bingeing the entire show (four seasons out of five) in a little over a month. It’s what Sally Field would have wanted. It’s on Hulu!