I Guess Dakota Johnson and Chris Martin Did NOT Break Up... But Sabrina Carpenter and Barry Keoghan DID?

PLUS: Jail for JK Rowling, Gaga x Bruno Mars Collab + more

I was about to hit publish on this post whose main story is that Chris Martin and Dakota Johnson broke up, and at the last minute I found out their reps just released a statement saying they AREN’T broken up? Lindsay Lohan was right. I’m tired of rumors starting.

But you know who DID *allegedly* break up? Sabrina Carpenter and Barry Keoghan. A springtime romance that didn’t last the summer. Ah well. I know who his true love is.

For more on Miss Carpenter…

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Honourable Mention

• JK Rowling Is About To Be A Prisoner of Azkaban

  Moldy Rowling and Elon Musk have been named in Olympian Imane Khelif’s criminal cyberbullying/defamation lawsuit and could be fined up to £214,000 and sentenced to five years in prison if Khelif wins.

• Smiling Like the Moan of Lisa

  I couldn’t decide if this should be on Honourable Mention or Don’t Mention It, but Lady Gaga and Bruno Mars have teamed up to release Die With A Smile, which is clearly promo for her new Joker movie, and I’m sorry, love them both (which is why it ended up here), very talented people, but I do not like this song. It’s just—empty. He has the yearning required for a duet, but his yearning is always present, and I fear that’s just *allegedly* cocaine and horniness. She however, feels absent from the song as a whole? We know she has pipes. I wake every morning listening to Ally Maine beg Jackson Maine to “Heal Me” so what the hell is going on with this song?

• Penn Badgley Is Done With “YOU”

  The final season of YOU, a show I stopped watching two seasons ago has wrapped filming, and if there’s one thing you need to know about me, it’s that I rarely watch the final season of long-running shows. Few of them stick the landing, and I would much rather make up my own endings because that way, I won’t be disappointed—HOWEVER—I might be tuning in for this.

  

• Interview with the Vampire is Coming To Netflix

  Speaking of shows—one that has continually raised the bar is Interview with the Vampire, and despite its measly audience, it has garnered HIGH praise with both seasons. Now, the show is coming to Netflix, and I’m assuming it will get its rightful praise! You should be watching it!

This is random, but 16 days ago I deleted the TikTok app from my phone, and my attention span feels like it’s increased tenfold? Like that app is really making people dumber and I believe that! One day¹ I will delete Twitter

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Don’t Mention It

• Demure /Mindful

  These two words have taken the internet by storm in the last week, and if there were ever a way to beat a dead horse, everyone has collectively dragged it to the town square and beat the SHIT out of it! I’ve actually never seen a meme get run into the ground this quickly. But now, more than ever, it’s time to lay it to rest. But if you absolutely need someone to break it down for you, Vulture did.

• Emily In Paris

  DEPORT HER!!!!

• Blake Lively

  I’m sorry, but I’m tired of her now

In case you missed the update on this drama…

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Did I Forget To Mention

Next month, this newsletter turns 2 years old! Can you believe it? Some of you have been here since the beginning, and it’s kind of insane, what are we? Should we get married? Finally go to third base? Buy a horse?

For the Book Club Girlies—It’s happening! The first book will be Sally Rooney’s Intermezzo starting October 1st!

1. When I win the lottery