EXCLUSIVE: II Sides II Every Story: My Sit-down Interview with "Jolene"
I had II have this talk with her
“Well-behaved women seldom make history”
Such is the truth for my next guest whose claim to fame arose as the auburn-haired other woman whose incomparable beauty threatened to take the suitor of one Miss Dolly P. Now she’s back, facing accusations from none other than Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter. Give her a warm welcome. Obviously her face has been obscured for her own safety, so she doesn’t receive more hate from people on the internet.
Meecham Whitson Meriweather: Jolene, thank you for coming today, I can’t imagine how the last few days have been for you with the release of Beyoncé’s smash hit, chart topping, number 1 album COWBOY CARTER mentioning you. How are you?
Jolene: You know, it’s interesting to say the least, that whole thing with me and Dolly, it was over and done with, at the end of the day, he wasn’t man enough for me! And sure I’d hear whispers every now and then, but I’ve been to therapy, I’ve moved on. Some people should learn from that. And now, for everything to be brought up once again, they need some water because I know their mouths are DRY still talking about the same thing.
MWM: Oh wow, okay, you—don’t seem at all apologetic…
Jolene: Why should I be?
MWM: People are saying you broke up a happy home, and that it’s not your first time, especially now with Beyoncé releasing her version of Jolene. Some people see that at as a pattern
Jolene: Well, do you always believe what you hear?
MWM: No, but—
Jolene: Exactly, so did you bring me on your iconic Substack newsletter to talk about hearsay, or to get my side of the story?
MWM: Okay tea, I apologize. It’s just that, you’re really the topic of conversation right now, some people are saying you’re not a girls girl. How do you feel about that?
Jolene: Well, someone also once said “you know you that bitch when you cause all this conversation!”
MWM: Jolene!!!!
Jolene: *whips ponytail*
MWM: Okay Jolene, readers really want to know: Is auburn your natural hair colour, and are you wearing contacts?
*reader’s note: Jolene is very clearly wearing coloured contacts, and a 41” phony pony*
Don’t be an April Fool! Save money with girl math (and actual math) by taking 20% off for a year subscription! Besides, like PBS, this newsletter is made possible in part by readers like you sweetie!!! You and Cillian Murphy’s Cheekbones!
Jolene: You like… my hair? Gee thanks… just bought it. It’s human hair. And since I bought it, it’s mine. So to answer your question, yes, it’s real. But why are we as a society so focused on what hair or nails are real? It’s 2024, we are beyond that.
MWM: Oop, not you gagging my audience!
Jolene: It’s just, I’m more than being beautiful beyond compare, you know?
MWM: So tru queen, I’m ALWAYS saying that [about myself] but since we’re on the topic, are there any female celebrities you love, or would want to collab with?
Jolene: Oh, Julia Roberts for sure. I think she could play me in my life story. I mean, we both have auburn hair, and are beautiful beyond compare, BUT we’re so much more than that.
MWM: Speaking of comparing, are there any female celebs you think you’re more beautiful than?
Jolene: Most of them (she laughs) I mean… they simply cannot compete where they don’t compare.
MWM: Jolene! OMG, you’re so messy. Now, I have to ask, because I’m nothing if not an investigatory journalist—when it comes to Beyoncé, were you threatening, or were you threatened?
Jolene: Oh you’re trying to set me up!
MWM: No I’m not! I just wanna know if you feel like Bey and Dolly P saw a pretty girl and said “oh let’s hate on her” or if you felt your life was in danger for simply being a bad bitch? I mean, I can relate… that’s all I’m saying
Jolene: You want me to say that I—as a white woman—felt threatened by a black woman, right here on your highly rated, international Substack? Boy I’m not crazy.
MWM: Girl I’m just asking! In my Barbara Walters era
Jolene: *In Michael Jackson voice* It’s not true! They made it all up (she laughs) But what I will say is—Beyoncé is the one who called herself “a Creole banjee bitch from Louisianne” did I think she was gonna shoot me? IDK, ask your audience!!!
MWM: Okay I’m not gon touch that one. Last question, I heard you turned down a tell-all with Oprah to come here and do my Substack. Is there a reason?
Jolene: Here’s the thing, I know you’re a very handsome bisexual queer black man of colour, and as an investigatory journalist, you’d be unbiased. I can’t say the same for Oprah!
MWM: Oop, you ate that Jojo. Anyway, thank you for coming, I wish you best of luck with Julia Roberts playing you in the biopic. If you need a screenwriter, text me!
You think this is a tangent but it’s not: in my favorite show Shogun, horrible husband Buntaro tried to tell Lord Toranaga that the white guy (the barbarian) should be killed bc he’s eyeing his wife Mariko. Toranaga says so you want to chop his head off? Buntaro says yeah. Toranaga says then your wife’s head too? And Buntaro says no no no I’m
not accusing my wife. Lord Toranaga says well then you’re not really making the accusation are you? Takes two to tango, even in Samurai times!
See this is why you’re my favorite journalist: asking the questions people need to know!