Harold Styles' Performance in My Policeman Deserves An Award
For worst kisser in the world
As a preteen, most of us played a classic game called 7 Minutes in Heaven, a “game” where you went in a closet for 7 minutes and kissed someone. In retrospect, what the fuck?
7 minutes is a long ass time. But I’d rather spend 7 minutes in a coat closet swapping spit with one of my peers, 6 minutes away from getting Mono, or even an ETERNITY in Hell bringing the devil Negroni Sbagliatos with Prosecco than being brutalized by one of Officer Harry Styles’ wet kisses.
“It was only a kiss, how did it end up like this” quoth Brandon Flowers in a lyric from ‘Mr. Brightside’, a song white people love by The Killers, a band that I, a bisexual queer black man of colour loves. BUT — Faith Hill would be rolling over in her grave if she knew her smash hit chart topping number 1 song ‘This Kiss’ was sullied by the thin lips of one Harold Styles.
This kiss? Oh it might not be subliminal, or pivotal, but baby it’s CRIMINAL.
Now, I already knew he was a bad kisser because like you, I have seen Don’t Worry Darling where he kissed poor Florence Pugh like she was a medical dummy he was learning CPR on, or like a dirty Thanksgiving turkey that fell on the floor (so much food waste in that movie!) Plus, I also tweeted this. BOY CLOSE YOUR MOUTH!!!
Kissing hasn’t always looked this bad. Back in the early 2000s, no one cared about the Emmys or the Oscars because we had The MTV Movie Awards, and they used to MEAN SOMETHING. They were the Met Gala of awards shows (The VMAs notwithstanding) and there were categories like Best Villain, Best Fight, and Best Kiss — the latter giving us some of popular culture’s most iconic moments — most notably 2006’s Best Kiss winner going to my soulmate Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger for Brokeback Mountain, beating out Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt for Mr. & Mrs. Smith. #LoveWins — and now, no celeb in their right mind would be caught DEAD there.
While this award win was VERY deserved (they kissed and barebacked… in a tent… after eating BEANS! More brave than US Marines) you know who wouldn’t have even been nominated???? That’s right, Harold Styles.
I have to admit — when I first started Michael Grandage’s My Policeman I thought it was gonna be an absolute mess. The trailer dropped on the heels of Harold’s performance in Don’t Worry Darling, and the Venice Film Festival fiasco, so it seemed like the snowball effect was growing larger by the day, into more snow than even Kate Moss and Cara Della Vinky could handle. Plus, this snippet from the trailer LOLOL.
However, I was pleasantly surprised! I drank a lil wine and live tweeted my watch on Saturday which you can follow along with here (you can tell when I got glass number 3)
This movie wasn’t exciting, but it was beautiful to look at. David Dawson carried the whole thing with his spooky eyes. Emma Corrin was in their Alma del Mar era watching her husband kiss another man, and Harold Styles was — also there. And sometimes I wished he wasn’t. Especially when I had to watch him kiss. Which was very often. Also, there are lots of sex scenes in this movie! And they are no more tender than in any other gay movie about a closeted cop cheating on his wife with a twink. Now that I mention it — have you SEEN the German film Frier Fall (2013)???
Watching Harold Styles kiss is like watching paint dry, but instead of drying, it melts off the wall, grabs you by the face, and gives you lead poisoning. Watching Harold Styles kiss is like having your fingernails ripped off one by one with a pair of cheap Sally Hansen tweezers, having them stuffed in your mouth, and being forced to wash them down with the worst flavour of White Claw (black cherry.) Kissing Harold Styles must feel like being waterboarded by Jessica Chastain in Zero Dark Thirty, a movie I definitely fell asleep watching, so I don’t actually know if she was the one to do the waterboarding, but I know it happened to somebody!
Harry is a worse kisser than if you asked Jeremy Allen White, your one true love, to kiss you back to life after a witch cast a spell on you and locked you in a glass coffin.
The thing is, he was much more charming in this movie. Is it because he didn’t talk as much? Possibly. Is it because I’ll give a pass to gay shit that’s beautifully shot? Probably. What I will say is, one of the funnier moments in this film was this scene. I died and was reborn. Michael Grandage said this is for the gworlz. We love a callback!
Anyway, would I watch this again? Prolly not. But good for him for being able to get in front of a camera and just go for it, no matter how bad the performance, now matter how David Dawson out-gays him, and no matter WHAT the critics say! Butt, there was this little treat! Enjoy!
Honourable Mention
Farewell to The #RGVHONO
Sunday marked the finale of S1 of Interview with the Vampire (even though it was renewed for a second season before the first season even started — they KNEW!) which means the Real Gay Vampire Husbands of New Orleans must say goodbye. What a finale. I was truly speechless. If you’re not watching that show, what’s your excuse? You hate vampires? You hate bisexuals? You hate interracial dating? VERY INTERESTING!!!
RIP Gay vampire husbands! Photo: Screenshot What Happens On Vacation Stays On Vacation
S1 of The White Lotus was okay. TBH??? It wasn’t for me, but when I saw Theo James in S2 I decided that everyone deserves a second chance, and boy am I glad I did! Theo James is hot, but what’s better than a one billionaire on an elevator? TWO. Will Sharpe is a very hot and rich tech bro in this and I think we should kiss. That’s all. I will be a great stepfather. The best boarding schools!!!
Molly, You In Danger Girl
As one period piece (actually two, because The Serpent Queen also ended) comes to a close, another blossoms. Dangerous Liaisons (why is that word so hard to spell??) is Starz’s new sexy show that I will no doubt be filling up your feed with. so get ready!
Don’t Mention It
Bartise. Chile I’m TIRED of that man.
Get Him Again For Me
One thing about Twitter is that it’s not gonna go down without a fight. Elon Musk broke ass came in thinking he was gonna shut shit down and has been getting bullied left and right. Now, do I support bullying? Yes. Do I think he should be bullied more? Also yes. It’s like a new boss coming into work trying to change things and he doesn’t even know how to create a PDF. First of all sir, we getting you UP and we getting you OUT!
I Know Why The Caged Bird Tweets
Everyone is jumping ship from Twitter because of the pending fascism, and it’s like — you’re gonna go outside where there’s REAL fascism? Okay. I will be going down with the ship, or staying until someone buys back Twitter from Elon, or **** him. Whichever happens first.
Did I Forget To Mention
I’ve been getting book mail, but tbh, a lot of it hasn’t been good, and one thing about me is that I will not recommend something I don’t truly believe in — BUT I love TikTok and the Celebrity Memoir Book Club has been reading Matthew Perry’s memoir and I’m DYING over their takes.
This week’s playlist is dedicated to KISSING, the GOOD kind.
***Spotify is being homophobic and won’t embed the playlist correctly, but if you’ve been following along, you should easily be able to find it***
Thank you for subscribing to Now That I Mention It — and now that I mention it, thank you for being a friend.
I heard Dido in my head when you wrote about Twitter, I felt her British presence!!!!
I sooooooooo needed this today!!!! ☠️☠️☠️☠️