ABC's The Golden Bachelor Proves Dating Old Men Is Back!

Once you go gray,

As many of you may well know, I am a humble person.

I am not Raven Symoné in That’s So Raven, and I can’t messily predict the future. When something happens, I never like to say “I told you so”, or send them that video of Mo’nique from VH1’s Charm School (back when Reality TV was REAL reality television) saying “See when you do clownery, the clown comes back to bite.” And I never text screenshots to people after the very thing I said was going to happen, happens. That’s not me. What I will say is, devoted readers may remember my hard-hitting investigation last month wondering if dating old men is back. Newsflash—it is. Take THAT Barbara Walters.

On the heels of octogenarians Al Pacino, and Robert De Niro having babies with their much younger girlfriends, ABC has decided to confront America’s Daddy Issues head on with their new show—The Golden Bachelor. Now, I must tell you, I do not watch The Bachelor. Not because I think it’s weird that young women of six and twenty are vying for the love of a man they don’t even know, waiting for a gentleman caller to change their life forever with the promise of an engagement like this is Pride and Prejudice, no.

It’s because in 2002, a bisexual queer black teen of colour decided that if gay people who had loved each other for years couldn’t get married, that he would not watch a reality show where straight people could become betrothed, without knowing each other at all—for fun. Yes, I was already on my soapbox at that age, and 13 years later, when the Marriage Equality Act was passed, I had already missed too many seasons, so I was like chile anyways, so.

I do however like how messy The Bachelor is, and how it is cemented in the cultural zeitgeist. This new iteration begs the question—do old people deserve to be happy? The new Bachelor Gerry Turner, a ex-restauranteur from Indiana says yes. If we’re judging a book by its cover, this man looks great for 71. A head full of soft, healthy hair. Skin like a delicious butterscotch from the bottom of an old lady’s purse, and hands that don’t look like they’ve ever chopped a vegetable in their life! I mean hands are usually the give-away in situations where you need to tell how old someone is, but nine out of ten people don’t use sunscreen on their hands, and also hands go through the most wear and tear on the body.

What is he hiding! Did he drink the Death Becomes Her potion? Is he sucking the youth out of children like the Sanderson Sisters in Hocus Pocus? Who knows, and now that I mention it—it’s making me examine my other silver fox crushes.

Photo: ABC/Brian Bowen Smith

I’ll start by saying that I am partial to a silver fox, very partial. There’s just something about them. Not like, the Anderson Coopers of the world, he looks like a bird, and if you’ve ever watched him and Andy Cooper host the NYE countdown, you know he can’t hold his liquor. I’m talking about the John Slatterys of the world, the Mad Men! Does John Slattery also look like a bird? Yes, but he looks like a bird who would wear a nice suit and a monocle and ride the subway. A pulchritudinous pigeon if you will.

Photo: Frank Ockenfels/AMC

Or what about Bill Nighy? If you haven’t seen About Time, I don’t know what you’ve been doing with your time, but you haven’t been using it wisely, I know that much!

Do I think Bill Nighy would plan a beautiful picnic for us in the English countryside (obviously he would check the grass for ticks first, I am not tryna get Lyme Disease. Yolanda Hadid, cautionary tale!) where we’d feed each other strawberries, toasted figs and lactose free ricotta on crostini, saving the cucumber sandwiches for after we make sweet passionate love to a soundtrack of birds chirping over our heads, being little little voyeurs, watching us make the beast with two backs? Sure! And I love him for it!

To take a page from Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger—why love now? He lost his wife in 2017 after 43 years together, and it’s brave of him to finally move on. His story would make a great romance movie.

Somehow all of his kids look different but they also all look the same? Am I saying he’s a witch—or, to be politically correct—a sorcerer? ( I think it’s bullshit that popular culture would have you believe boys can’t be witches) or maybe he’s a vampire! Photo: Brian Bowen Smith/ABC

Either way, I can’t wait to see the contestants who are probably going to be between 35 and 42.

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