Has Jake Gyllenhaal's Body Been Taken Over By Tiny Aliens with Big Heads: An Investigation

It's a strange world we live in

I know it’s the weekend of Thanksgiving, and I was going to schedule this post for the actual day OF so that you could read it while you were hiding in the bathroom from your family for a moment of peace, or smoking weed with your favourite cousin out back, but then I was like, I also wanna see the new film Benoit Blanc Is Gay, (also known as Knives Out: Glass Onion) so I decided it would be best if you read it as you’re recovering from seeing people on TikTok cook unseasoned turkey, and eating leftover turkey of your own. (Girl it’s day THREE of leftovers. enough)

Anyways. All my boyfriends are cutting their hair.

As you may well remember, resident resplendent roué Chris Pine, to whom I was formerly betrothed, pierced me so deeply (and NOT in a good way) when he decided to relinquish his tantalizing tresses and relaxed BODE garments in favour of a more buttoned up, responsible buzz cut that someone’s racist uncle who doesn’t see colour but DOES have a blue lives matter shirt would have. You may also remember my eulogy for said locks. It was truly a dark time.

Meech @MediumSizeMeech

Chris Pine cut his hair — let us pour one out for the ones we lost

In another blow to my boys and their hair, not only is Hollywood racist, but it’s also AGEIST, and it has caused Logan Lerman to CUT AND DYE his hair!!! They said Grey NOT OK! When will enough be — as JLo said in the 2002 thriller — ENOUGH?

Meech @MediumSizeMeech

Logan Lerman coloured his hair — a moment of silence for his delayed approach to salt & pepper papidom

And now, the devil has struck once more, forcing Jacob Gyllenhaal to cut his hair AGAIN after he started growing it out to help us get our relationship back on track.

In more bizarre news, he is on a press junket for his new children’s film Strange World, co-starring Gabrielle Union, and Jaboukie, the rising star on the FBI’s Mostest Watched list. The thing is — and don’t take this the wrong way but — he ON SOMETHING. Allegedly. I got something ELSE he could be on *winky face*

Meech @MediumSizeMeech

You cannot tell me Jacob Gyllenhaal ain’t on something

Now, if I know Jacob Benjamin Gyllenhaal, WHICH I DO, I know when he’s being his regular charismatic self, and I also know when he’s just having a good time trolling.

Meech @MediumSizeMeech

The Don’t Worry Darling press junket is up there with this iconique Jake Gyllenhaal moment

but this press junket has brought out the most nervous, spaced out Jacob I’ve seen since 2014. He wasn’t like this during the press junket for that awful Michael Bay movie AmbuLAnce, with Yahya Abdul-Mateen II. And he definitely wasn’t like this with his bromantic press tour with tiny twink Tom Holland (that was an amazing time to be alive, I must say) But then, a fantastic point was made:

Rebekah Weatherspoon ✨🍯✨ @RdotSpoon

@MediumSizeMeech In my mind Jake is being kept up at night by the fact that he wasn’t able to charm Gab and Jaboukie. 😂

Could this new found anxiety be because he’s on a press junket with a black woman (Union) a small, queer Italian (Jaboukie) and a coked-out, roided up AARP cardholder (Quaid)??? Who can never be sure. Could this group of people be impervious to his charm? Chile idk about all that. One thing I CAN be sure of, is that it’s entertaining.

Meech @MediumSizeMeech

Ya heard it here first folks, Jake Gyllenhaal spatches cock

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Honourable Mention

• Onions Don’t Got THAT Many Layers, Babe

  This weekend I saw tiny Rian Johnson’s new movie Knives Out: Glass Onion. Now, did I see this movie because I was interested in a murder mystery? No, I could just watch Tim Curry slay the house down in Clue (1985) and call it a day. The reason I saw this filmé is because — as you may know, I am a queer bisexual black man of colour, and I wanted to support my people in the queer community so I showed up for Benoit Blanc (and Kathryn Hahn).

  Meech @MediumSizeMeech

  Love the “boyfriend” reveal in #GlassOnion but spoiler alert, it did NOT go up his butt!!! My review? NOT GAY ENOUGH

  

  I feel like I should say, I didn’t like first movie — it just wasn’t for me, plus Ana de Armas get on my NERVES, but I’m happy to report I did in fact enjoy this one! I solved the murder literally AS it happened because I be PAYING ATTENTION, but I still had a good time anyway. Daniel Craig’s accent work? Nicole Kidman is SHAKING!!!! They put him in a linen suit and said “thassa gay king right there”

  The one thing I was a little disappointed about was the lack of exploration between Daniel Craig’s Benoit Blanc and Dave Bautista’s Duke. I’m not sure if the sexual tension was SUPPOSED to be there, but MA’AM!!! It was STEAMY.

  

  Dave Bautista as Duke in Knives Out: Glass Onion showing off his piece. I’m talking about the gun y’all! Stop being nasty. Photo: Girl I forgot

  Anyways, he shoulda let me write this movie cause I’d give it a better ending!

  Meech @MediumSizeMeech

  Deleted scene from #GlassOnion Duke takes Benoit Blanc out to dinner and things get hot and heavy in the corridor

  

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Don’t Mention It

• Everybody coming to Chris Brown’s defense

• The White Lotus — I’ve given up on that show because I can do many things, but I will be DAMNED if I’m waiting around for Theo James to do gay stuff and he never does it. Y’all better tell me if he actually do tho.

• Beyoncé. visuals.

• Leon Musk

• More people doing blackface

  Meech @MediumSizeMeech

  Finding out Kayvan Novak who plays Nandor on What We Do In The Shadows did blackface (and defended it) was certainly not something I thought would happen any time soon!

  

  

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Did I Forget To Mention

I’m watching Bones and All this weekend too, so you’ll hear about it Monday, but I have to be honest, I really don’t see it for me liking trailer park cannibals (don’t cancel me!) Cannibalism is only fun when it’s like, rich people doing it at a dinner party. I love Timothée as much as the next person, but evidently the movie isn’t even ABOUT him. Chilllleeeee. I guess we gon see.

The holidays are coming up so don’t forget about one of my favourite white women and her gift guides!!! These gift guides are great because they have categories like the Under $200 Gift Guide with design favs, stuff for the dog you should be pampering, books, pyjamas, candles, YOU NAME IT! There’s a Self-Care Gift Guide that has things like chic diffusers, Therabody massagers, and MORE candles (I like candles okay!) and so many other gift guides that can be found here.

Thank you for subscribing to Now That I Mention It — and now that I mention it, thank you for being a friend.