Is Evan Peters Secretly, But Also Publicly A Serial Killer: An Investigation
Inside sources have confirmed what we already know
My childhood therapist used to say “if it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck — then it’s probably not a frog.” In hindsight, I think he was trying to tell me he knew about my predisposition to be inclined to an alternative lifestyle LOLOLOL. He said
So, if Mr. ChunkyPeanutButter (my therapist) was right, We Need To Talk About Kevin Evan Peters. Does anyone find it strange that 96.3% of his roles have been serial killers of some kind since he stabbed the secretary and walked into Ryan Murphy’s office, put the bloody knife on the desk, threatened to implicate Murphy as an accomplice and said “I wanna make history”? Ryan was like “Okay cis. Let’s have a kiki” please don’t kill me, I’m already balding and the rest was history.
To be fair, Ryan Murphy is responsible for a large portion of the deterioration of humanity stemming from primetime queer juggernaut Glee. Was I a “gleek”? Yes. Do I still wanna beat the shit out of Blaine for cheating on Kurt and then singing a piano version of pop icon Katheryn Elizabeth Hudson’s Teenage Dream in a bar FULL of people? YOU BET YOUR SWEET ASS! Why did he think that would make it better!!! Anyways, Mr. ChunkyPeanutButter and I don’t think it’s conducive to my healing process to revisit such traumatic periods of my life, so strike that from the record.
It may be a little unfair of me to blame all of this on him, because he is also responsible for a slew of my favourite shows, like such as the Nip/Tuck, The New Normal, S1-3 of 9-1-1 (after season 3 I tapped out cause they were pissing me off at every turn), 9-1-1: Lone Star, and Scream Queens (RIP, gone too soon) but does that mean his significant, very queer contributions to broadcast television gets this case thrown out? I don't think your honour. Erroneous your honour! I object, your honour!
If it pleases the court I would like to call to the stand Evan Peters’ IMDB resume which already swears to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help it Beyoncé. In 2011, Mr Peters (not to be confused with Mr ChunkyPeanutButter) was in S4 Ep2 of the USA Network television show In Plain Sight, a show that never should have been cancelled if I’m being honest. It did start going off the rails, but who hasn’t gone off the rails! Evan sure has. Where do killers hide? That’s RIGHT! In. Plain. Sight. I see you Keyser Söze and Will Benson, Will, Ben’s son from 1998 smash box office hit I Still Know What You Did Last Summer which is a personal fav. Sustained!
Ladies and gworlz of the jury, I would like to turn your attention to Exhibit B:
You know who ELSE is an actor but is also a serial killer? THAT’S RIGHT. Barry Berkman. You may be wondering, hmm how does Barry Berkman get away with killing people if he’s an actor? And that’s EXACTLY what he wants you to think. He wants you to think he’s busy learning lines to star in a Charmin Ultra-Soft commercial that he’s actually gonna get booted from because for some reason they love them cartoon bears who don’t even wear pants but somehow need to wipe their butts. He’s no Tom Cruise, so let’s start THERE. The last great movie star he is NOT!
He’s not booked and busy. So of course he can drive (instead of flying, which, I gotta say, we love a climate conscious king!) to Idaho (which is a place people go I guess? What do they even have there besides potatoes?) to kill people. The defendant is making this too easy your honour. May I approach the bench?
Some may argue Mr Peters’ long history of portraying serial killers but also actually being a serial killer is just a coincidence. And that’s them. But on the other hand me? Oh I don’t believe in coincidences. Peters has spoken about his view on method acting with resident annoying, badly dressed, worse acting Billy Porter in Vanity Fair saying
“I’m still trying to wrap my head around what that actually means, but I suppose yes. And probably the reason why I didn’t specifically remember the day that we first met is because I was probably in headphones with my crazy wig on and thinking about Angel and [Stan’s] wife and kids, so I try to stay in it as much as I can because I find it really hard to go in and out of it. Some people are fantastic at going in and out of it and I’m so envious of that. But yeah, I do try to stay in it as much as I can. So I guess that could be considered method in a way.”
He “supposes so”. He “guesses that could be considered method acting.” He “tries to stay in as much as he can” Ladies and gays I think we have our answer, do we not?
In my closing arguments, I would just like to ask the queens in the front and the doms in the back of the jury to take a look at this man. Does this look like the face of someone who is sane? Someone who makes good decisions? Someone who takes more than one shower a week? You be the judge. (Actually, I need you to be the jury, cause we already have a judge, but you get it.) I rest my case!
Honourable Mention
Local Beauty & Hosiery Influencer Tries Hand At Music
Homosexuals everywhere have been googling “soup or bowl music Rihanna” after gossip site Twitter.com reported Robyn Rihanna Fenty, 34 had been spotted several times over the past month entering, and leaving a recording studio with a poorly dressed, unnamed man. One onlooker described him as “a grasshopper with a bad Brazilian Blowout” another described him as “if the Geico Gecko was from Harlem.” a Starbucks barista said “It’s giving bum.” At one point in the evening, the foundation, and eyeliner applier tweeted a photo of her holding a football, implying she would be “performing” at the Super Bowl, and yet, no new music has been released. It now appears there is more to this developing story.
The Worry Is Over Darling
The Daughters of the Darlings Who Did Not Worry may rest easy tonight because Don’t Worry Darling has already made $20M at the box office, surpassing its budget. Did Livie, Miss Flo and Harold realize that a little drama would sell tickets, and bet on that? Maybe, but probably definitely not. Chris was chilling and wanted no part of that anyway, so honestly, good for them! HOWEVER, black actress of colour Kiki Layne who — if you blinked, you’d miss her in the film — had a LITTLE more to say in this Instagram post.
Don’t Mention It
Dumb & Dahmer
Netflix has created another serial killer series (starring its resident method actor, the defendant Evan Peters) that I for one will not be watching. First of all, the name is VERY stupid and complicated for NO reason. Dahmer - Monster: The Jeffrey Dahmer Story. Second of all, Dahmer is from Milwaukee, which is where I went to university and I know alllllll about him! I am not tryna see a bunch of queer black gay men of colour be murdered!
We still don’t have any Renaissance visuals FROM BEYONCÉ STARRING BEYONCÉ. I’ve said this before and sadly, I didn’t know the power of words
Did I Forget To Mention
It’s officially Autumn (in THIS house we say autumn, not fall!) which means that a lot of the basic bitches are snorting pumpkin spice like they’re Kate Moss backstage at an Alexander McQueen show. As for me? Well, my autumn is spent acquiring bougie candles, watching heartwarming films and tv, and holding a warm, oversized mug of tea with two hands, wrapped in a chunky knit cardigan. It’s called luxury, look it up!
Heartbreak High is like Sex Education, but better. But also worse. It’s set in Sydney, Australia (vomit — I’m a Brighton babe til I die) and one of the characters I absolutely HATE, not because of the acting, but because literally everything is their fucking fault. And another of the characters is SO fine. Anyways, This show is wonderfully queer, and fantastic. I rec.
This Myrrh & Tonka candle from Jo Malone is one of my favourites for the Autumn / Winter season, and I’m giving you this inside information so take heed! It’s so woodsy and warm, and yes, it is expensive, but it’s absolutely worth it, and the burn time is so long! If you don’t want to buy it for yourself, the holidays are coming up, so get to writing that list sweetie.
When I first started this newsletter I said it would come with a weekly themed Spotify playlist, but I feel like y’all might be like girl didn’t nobody ask for that! I’ll post one this week anyway and see how it goes. This week’s theme is: KILLE. I have fantastic musical taste and am a professional curator, so obviously you will like it. Still let me know what you think!
Thank you for reading Now That I Mention It, and now that I mention it — thank you for being a friend.
read the headline and the emma roberts stan JUMPED out
For this, yes I will learn to use the Spotify-❤️ an old person