I'm Kind of Obsessed With The Backlash of John Stamos' Bald Cap

Uncle Jesse said "Have MERCY!!!"

Who knew that being bald was so controversial!¹

In has-been celebrity news, earlier this week, hot B-List actor, and weird bellybutton haver² John Stamos posted photos of himself, and fellow Full House F-List actor and Alanis Morissette’s ex³ Dave Coulier on Instagram, days after the latter revealed his stage 3 non-hodgkin lymphoma diagnosis to People Magazine on November 13th. And as could be expected, the internet has been in an uproar.

johnstamos

A post shared by @johnstamos

Is this insanely creepy? Yes. Is it friendship solidarity? Sure! Is it performative? Absolutely. But isn’t that what social media is all about? Performing solidarity in a People Magazine exclusive photoshoot? I mean hello! That’s allyship baby! That’s better than one of those black (or yellow) squares, I’ll tell you that much.

To be fair, I think it’s a little silly for strangers on the internet to be upset at something that has nothing to do with them, when the person it DOES have to do with seems to be okay with it—but I was also still upset with Jay-Z after Beyoncé forgave him for cheating, so maybe I’m the wrong person to be talking about this (but when has that ever stopped me)

I have to say, if I had a head of hair that was like Uncle Jesse’s, I wouldn’t shave it off either! Shaving your head is just as weird and performative as the Ice Bucket Challenge that ravaged social media in support of ALS when no-one actually understood what you were supposed to do. Were they spreading awareness? I mean I guess, but did they actually raise any money—yeah, actually, they did. So, good for them. But that was a lot less permanent than shaving your head when you’re a B-List actor who was formerly married to Rebecca Romijn and that’s how you make your money!!!

Am I sad that he didn’t shave his hair? No! I think being there for a person with cancer through love, support, and sending them funny videos matters more than doing People Magazine exclusive photoshoots! But that’s just me!

They wanted this man to shave his head? The head that allowed the gentle wisps of hair to catch the wind ever so slightly? I don’t think.

They wanted THIS MAN with THIS HAIR in THIS KNIT to shave his head? The head that housed the mullet that launched a thousand ships? Oh sweetie I don’t think.

What I will say is—when Jesse got hurt, did Joey walk around in a full upper body cast with a pastel tank top over it too???? NO. He continued living his life, but giving moral support. And I think that’s just fine.

In other bald news:

1. Harry Styles did I guess, which is why he disappeared for a few months and came back with a full house hairline

2. Honestly do NOT Google Image search “john stamos bellybutton” because you will be upset, and thankfully (or unthankfully) I’ve done it for you, so if you click that link, it’s your own fault!!!

3. Mind you she was 18 and he was 33. NASTY.